Love It/Hate It

Sometimes (perhaps even most of the time) I love to run. It is a very empowering thing to do. To feel physically strong, if even for a minute, is a very powerful and pleasurable emotion. Maybe its just because its such a fleeting thing for a women. Conquering a hill or finishing that last mile when I really just want to stop makes me feel strong. I find it so hard to be good at anything lately, nothing I do seems to get my full attention or effort. In the best situation I usually leave something knowing I could have done it just a little better. Being a mother is most often a thankless job, being a mother of teenagers can be discouraging and defeating. I have no allusions of what I am capable of, but when things get hard I ache to just have one thing I can fall back on, one thing I know I can suceed at. When I was training for my marathon in 2007 one of the most unexpected benefits in the whole process was what a confidence booster it was. I suppose you could get hung up on your times or find other ways to be critical of yourself, but I was always so amazed at what I was doing. Most people have no concept of what it is like to run more than 5 miles, much less 15, 20 of 26, and it was dang fun to know that I could do it and that I was doing it. But running can be a huge confidence killer, as it was today. The 6 miles I tried to plug out were endless. I felt fat, slow and old. Last weeks 6 made me feel strong and that I was finally overcoming these stupid injuries. What is the difference between the two, self pity, high expectations or simply hormones. I'm not sure, but I do know that after last weeks run I came home ate a healthy salad, skipped dessert and felt in control. Today my after run meal was chips and salsa, and pizza. Haven't yet decided on a dessert but it will be a good one. Its been a bad week, can't expect if not to effect other areas of my life but still I run to feel strong and in control. If I want to feel fat and old I will stay home and watch tv.

How Firm a Foundation

One of my most favorite hymns has always been How Firm a Foundation. I particularly love the third verse.

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

I have often repeated these words, and felt the comfort they bring. The other night while attending a church meeting, I out of boredom thumbed through a hymn book and began to focus on the other verses.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!


Oh, how I was reminded that the waters will be deep, but they will not overflow. For some reason the idea of a refiner's fire was so on point for me. I have to remember that as painful as it seems right now, that the end product will be beautiful.

Oh How I Miss Those Days!

There is something that has always bothered me. When someone older, and supposedly much wiser tells me how much I will miss these days and to enjoy it while you can. These days meaning when all your children are home, little ones to love and mold and shape. Days filled with laughter, love, companionship. Maybe that is true, but what about days filled with this.


This is what most of my days are filled with, laundry, laundry and more laundry. Throw in some dishes, plugged toilets, back talking teenagers, and sibling fighting. That pretty much sums up a typical day. I can not really believe that I will really, really miss all that. Is the mind such that it really allows you to look back on years past and remember only the good. I hope so, I don't want to be a bitter old women in the rest home reminiscing about the days when I had to fold laundry all the time. I try hard not to resent, all that I have to do, I know it comes with the territory, and that it will get easier. That is what I look forward and I will not say to my children enjoy it while you can it will soon be gone. I will say enjoy it now so you will be able to enjoy it even more later.(p.s. these clothes were all clean and I did get them folded and put away before bedtime).

A Perfect Faith

But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Matt 19:14.
I was reminded of a very important principle last night. My youngest child had been begging all night for an ice cream sandwich. I finally told him that he could have one if he found his baggy book (home reading books that are sent home in a ziploc), which we had been unable to find the previous few days. He spent a few minutes looking in his room, and then came running in with a huge smile on his face a proudly announced " I know how I can find it, I will say a prayer. Oh the look of joy on his face as then he folded his arms and quickly said a prayer thanking Heavenly Father for helping him find the book, I had to remind him that he hadn't asked for help yet. While he's praying I am praying/begging Heavenly Father to let him find the book, dreading how to explain to him how some prayers are not always answered in the way we would like. After saying amen he, turns to me and says maybe Heavenly Father will put the book on the bed so that I can find it. I explain to him we have to work to have our prayers answered so we need to keep looking. He runs back to his room and I follow, thinking that I had better help him. We start to look in the usual places, places we had already looked. Not more than a minute passed before he exlaims proudly, I FOUND IT! How could I have doubted that his perfect faith would be rewarded, and that his Heavenly Father knows and loves him.
I can see the contrast between his faith and mine, and am resolved to do better, to trust Him more, to believe in Him more, to feel of His love more.

Why I love this little guy?

There are so many reasons I love this my youngest of my offspring. To me he is a perfect example of how to give and receive love. One recent experience sums up his sweetness. When we were in Arizona recently we got to sleep in the same bed. As I was tucking him in we were having some serious snuggle time. I asked him what the best part of his day was. He had just spent a day, playing with cousins, eating milkshakes, playing at the park and swimming in grandmas pool to name only a few of the busy days adventures. Without even a pause, he answered "The best part of my day is snuggling with you." If that wasn't enough to melt my heart, the very next morning I heard him tell his cousin in a very serious voice, "I have a girlfriend!. Then after a short pause I heard him whisper, "It's my Mom, I love her soo much!