Love It/Hate It

Sometimes (perhaps even most of the time) I love to run. It is a very empowering thing to do. To feel physically strong, if even for a minute, is a very powerful and pleasurable emotion. Maybe its just because its such a fleeting thing for a women. Conquering a hill or finishing that last mile when I really just want to stop makes me feel strong. I find it so hard to be good at anything lately, nothing I do seems to get my full attention or effort. In the best situation I usually leave something knowing I could have done it just a little better. Being a mother is most often a thankless job, being a mother of teenagers can be discouraging and defeating. I have no allusions of what I am capable of, but when things get hard I ache to just have one thing I can fall back on, one thing I know I can suceed at. When I was training for my marathon in 2007 one of the most unexpected benefits in the whole process was what a confidence booster it was. I suppose you could get hung up on your times or find other ways to be critical of yourself, but I was always so amazed at what I was doing. Most people have no concept of what it is like to run more than 5 miles, much less 15, 20 of 26, and it was dang fun to know that I could do it and that I was doing it. But running can be a huge confidence killer, as it was today. The 6 miles I tried to plug out were endless. I felt fat, slow and old. Last weeks 6 made me feel strong and that I was finally overcoming these stupid injuries. What is the difference between the two, self pity, high expectations or simply hormones. I'm not sure, but I do know that after last weeks run I came home ate a healthy salad, skipped dessert and felt in control. Today my after run meal was chips and salsa, and pizza. Haven't yet decided on a dessert but it will be a good one. Its been a bad week, can't expect if not to effect other areas of my life but still I run to feel strong and in control. If I want to feel fat and old I will stay home and watch tv.